Meet Wade at Bolingbrook Chevrolet!

This is what Wade sent me in response to an internet inquiry that my wife had made:

Dear Jack,

Thank you for your interest in the 2004 Chrysler Sebring. My name is Wade Russell and I am your internet contact for Bolingbrook Chevrolet-OAP. If you choose to come in and see this vehicle you must see me to have this internet price honored.

The Sebring is priced at 14991.

Your Chrysler Sebring is ready for a test drive. Please provide us the
courtesy of a response as to a convenient time for you to visit our
dealership. I will be happy to answer any questions by phone or you can
simply reply to this e-mail.

Thank you in advance,

Wade Russell
Internet Sales Manager, Bolingbrook Chevrolet-OAP Dealer Location Southwest Corner of I-55 and Rte.53 In Bolingbrook Exit #267 off of I-55 next to Bob Evans restaurant
wader@users.ccleads.com
630-226-3957-work phone
630-885-7086-cell phone

My response:

"The courtesy of a response?"

How about, "Please let us know when it would be convenient for you to come in and test drive this car?"

Asking me to give you courtesy assumes that I won't, and assuming that I won't seems to be a presumption of my discourtesy. Basically, you've called me "discourteous".

Don't you think that's a discourtesy?

I'll await the courtesy of YOUR reply now.

Jack

Wade's Response:

Sorry that you took the message the wrong way. When will it be convenient for you to come in and test drive the vehicle. I am her Monday 9-9 tues 11-9 wed 9-5 thurs off fri 9-7 sat 9-6. Thank you Wade Russell

Why I didn't respond to this missive:

Wade is telling me here that I took his message the wrong way, as if I didn't understand the meaning of his directive to "provide <them> the courtesy of a response."

My point is the same. Advising me to provide anyone any courtesy is a presupposition of my DIScourtesy. That's my feeling, and I'm sticking to it.

Maybe Wade heard that phrase "courtesy of a reply" somewhere along the line and adopted it because he thought that it provided an official and business-like tone to his correspondence.

Hell, for all I know, he convinced himself that the words "courtesy of a reply" provided just the right meter to make his introductory letter sing like a Shakespearean sonnet that would lead me like a glassy-eyed zombie to his door with my checkbook and pen poised to consumate a transaction based solely on his command of corporate lingo and a professional acumen that establishes him as "the man with the car" and me as his unwashed minion who stands eager to bear witness to his light and reward him with my purchase.

To me, it sounds more like, "I'm a professional, goddamnit! You can tell because I pepper my correspondence with professional sounding phrases. You're an ignorant buyer who will treat me like shit. Bow to my superiority lest I refuse to sell you my car!"

Here's the fact. When my wife "googled" Sebring convertibles, something like 1350 came up as being available for sale in the Chicagoland area. Basically, Wade is competing with 1349 other people who will be happy to sell me their car without suggesting that I'm going into the transaction with discourteous intent.

When I call Wade on the meaning of his words, he tells me I took his message the wrong way. Now I can't read! He's still maintaining the superiority of someone who's dealing with drooling illiterates.

But then, read the rest of his message:

"When will it be convenient for you to come in and test drive the vehicle."

Whoops! That damn question mark button fell off the keyboard!

"I am her..."

Huh? Did the "e" button run off suddenly with the question mark button? Or is Wade a transvestite? I'm confused!

"...Monday 9-9 tues 11-9 wed 9-5 thurs off fri 9-7 sat 9-6."

Wait a minute! The "e" button is back! Maybe Wade IS a transvestite, but only on certain hours of certain days! Certainly a professional like Wade who says snappy things like "courtesy of a reply" wouldn't be so careless as to misspell "here." But then, Wade IS a busy man. There's things to do, damnit! Cars to sell! He can't be mired down with the expectation of correctly spelling a word like "here." Damn those silent "e's" anyway. They were a pain in the ass in second grade; they're a pain in the ass today!

Holy crap! Hold on just a stinking minute, now. What's this!?!? The Shift button is gone! So is the comma button! I'll be damned! Maybe, the Shift button ran off with the comma button! Wade's keyboard is staging a walk-out! He's clearly so distracted that he has to start abbreviating the days of the week! At least he's still working with the faithful and dedicated buttons that have stayed behind to allow him to communicate his parting words.

"Thank you Wade Russell"

Whoops! The Shift button is back! It probably showed up to pick up its shopping bag full of personal articles and felt sorry for Wade and decided to throw in three more appearances out of respect for all the years he's been working with Wade, kinda like a final roll in the hay right with the ex after the judge grants the divorce.

Or wait! Maybe the comma button turned out to be an opportunistic, gold-digging slut who only used the Shift button to get as far as Vegas before showing her true colors and leaving the Shift button at a nickel slot with nothing but a warm beer and a confused look, and now the Shift button has come back to Wade, chastened and pleading for his forgiveness.

We'll never know the true story. Whatever it is, the comma button is definitely gone, along with the question mark.

I figured Wade had way more important fish to fry.

Besides, screw him. First he tells me I'm discourteous, and then he tells me I can't read. Let him stew in the devastating silence he deserves.

Well, Wade hasn't forgotten me. Today, he wrote to me again!

Wade's latest letter:

Dear Jack,

I received an online inquiry from you about a 2004 Chrysler Sebring
through AutoTrader a few days ago. I have attempted to contact
you, but unfortunately have not heard back from you thus far. It is important for me to know when you will be in the market for a new vehicle so PLEASE let me know your purchase intent and if you didn't mean to inquire let me know this also.

I am here to be of service to you so please call me with questions, to arrange a one on one appointment to review your options and view any vehicle's you may be interested in, thank you.

Please let me earn your business.

Thank you,
Wade Russell
Internet Sales Manager, Bolingbrook Chevrolet-OAP
wader@users.ccleads.com
630-226-3957

Whoa!

Suddenly, Wade sounds like a saleman who is interested in fostering a relationship! Okay, the syntax is a little shaky in places, but, by God! He's suddenly treating me like a customer! My heart flutters with excitement! Maybe now Wade will treat me like an equal! We'll go to see him, and we'll become friends! Maybe we'll go have a beer after the sale, and really hit it off! I can picture lazy Sunday afternoons: Wade's family and my family enjoying the sunshine; all our kids together and throwing Frisbees down by the lake; Wade and I grilling hamburgers and talking about the Cubs; our wives sharing interior decorating secrets...

Oh no! My wife already bought a car! In fact, at the very same moment that Wade's letter was showing up, we were signing the papers on the new vehicle and inviting Vicky, the sales-person who treated us like we might have a shred of human decency, out for a evening with our band in Villa Park! Bummer!

Better luck next time, Wade! There's still 1349 Chrysler Sebring Convertibles out there.

Thus, my response:

Dear Wade,

I'm sorry! Since I last wrote to you, we found a car that exactly fit our needs. We purchased it this morning.

Thanks anyway.

Jack